Another Modest Proposal...

To bring peace to the Middle-East.

For the better part of three decades, war in the Middle East has been as certain as death, taxes, and Beyonce being ceremoniously thanked at the Grammy’s.

4.6 Million people have been killed over there as a result of direct military action since the nineties. Now, Israel and Iran have decided to start another conflict that will encompass and suffocate the region.

The bloodshed has to stop. It’s high time that we, the United States of America, actually bring peace to the Middle East. We can do this ethically, fairly, and swiftly: all we have to do is nuke both sides. Simultaneously and mercifully in the spirit of egalitarianism.

This is a foolproof plan that has already worked once before: on the Japanese. We probably saved millions of lives by vaporizing a measly two hundred thousand. Think of how many we could save if we blow up everyone over there now: governments can’t send their people to war if they have been turned into glass.

Would a lot of people die?

Sure. But those people were going to die someday anyway. Why not spare them and their descendants the headache?

And then, when the radiation has cleared, that new glass ground would be the perfect place for a California-sized Costco. We wouldn’t just be saving future generations from entering a world of war, we would be saving cold hard cash. Bye-bye Western Wall, hello Western Wal-Mart.

This is a win-win for everyone except the 500 million people who populate the region of the globe, but hey: we’ve never cared about what they’ve wanted or had to say anyway. Why start now?