Ding Dong, the Pope is dead and, by the numbers, more people are sad about it than aren’t. Chances are, you are probably interested in how they are going to go about selecting a new one too! Of all the secret cabals of the world, none are even half as interesting as THE CONCLAVE, the group of 135 Cardinals who vote on the next Patriarch of the worlds Largest religion. Which is why I have taken it upon myself to report what exactly is going on during the super duper special meeting.
A LOT of Games:
These guys might love to pray, but heaven (literally) knows that these boys also love to PLAY! Mancala is reportedly the favorite amongst the clergy, with “SORRY!” coming in at a close second (possibly because of how familiar they are with the word).
A Rewatch of the Met Gala:
If you’ve ever been in a room with that many cardinals, you’d know this is inevitable. They’re catholic. They love pageantry. Have you seen their churches? Their gowns? The jewelry? I’d call them flamers (they literally use smoke signals to communicate) but some would call it tasteless (unlike Hunter Schaeffer, good Lord she dressed to impress).
Team Building Improv Exercises
The church likes it when its priests are on the same page. Voting and deliberation rarely achieve this, which is why the archdiocese bring the infamous Los Angeles ‘Groundlings’ in to make that happen. Zip Zap Zoop and Freeze Tag have become two staples of the secret meeting since their introduction by Adam Corolla and Sheri Oteri.
In Depth Analysis of the Gospels`
A shocker on this list but makes sense when you think about it. A sufficient understanding of the words and wisdom of Jesus Christ is integral to being a pope, that way you can go directly against it and continue bastardizing them with impunity.
The Acting out of a Symbolic Play That Ends in Blood Sacrifice:
Can you even call yourself a religion without tapping into the spirit of Thespus and the veins of an unsuspecting virgin?
A Dance Off
This is really what decides the majority of the voting. The Bishop with the most boogie has won the papacy since the conclave’s first dance-off at the Council of Nicaea. For this reason, James Brown has received at least thirty votes at every conclave since 1963.
A Little Bit of Blow
I told you these boys love to play.
And that just about sums up EVERYTHING going on in the Sistine Chapel this week. Pray for forgiveness and white smoke. Until next time.
"But the Pope says they must first consult the highest power. He summons the "Queen Spider", which has for centuries been responsible for the child sexual abuse in the church, and declares that the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed. Angered by this, Maxi finally snaps and tears the Document in two, and the building begins to crumble. The parents hear this and are extremely glad; they take their children and watch it on TV. Maxi stands in front of the ruins, and tells everyone that Catholicism is not about the Holy Document of Vatican Law, molestation, or Queen Spiders, but about being a good person. He says by clouding the moral lessons of the Bible with needless ceremony and so many literal translations, the Vatican has caused people to reject religion and argues that "when they have no mythology to live their lives by, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths" - plot Red Hot Catholic Love